there

not really a poem.. just easier to think this way...


i was there where you were
right then
helping

insulating wires
in your studio
and counting to ten
i was the sound-check
in your basement


i was there where you were
right then
sharing

i massaged your aching
piano hands
in exchange for
letting my cold feet
suck the warmth
from under your knees


i was there where you were
right there
right then
holding

i listened to your chest
as you spoke to the ceiling

you were weary and
wondering what to change
in what direction
and how much more to give

you were alone
so i did not speak

you squeezed my shoulder
as i was
frazzled and penniless
diseased and resigned

i was content too
i scratched your chest
up and down
and you laughed quietly
at the strange gesture
and i thought of cats
and spoke foolishly
of cats again
of being one
of the touch of
strangers on your
belly
and your cat yawned
on the floor
and you said nothing
to this vapid thought


you had a hard-on
and i placed my palm
on your jeans
my fingers searching out
the rib of your head
and we stayed casually
like this
it was just a hello
plus some
palpitations
and i tucked this away
smiling, thinking of how
you came to me on all fours
growling, as i stood with my back
against the styrofoam soundproofing
your head level
with my cunt
and how
you gave it
an open muah
-just to greet again-
through my jeans
soaked with city air
and bus seats
and how i was shy in your
thrust of familarity



later you fucked me
for ten minutes
in your bedroom
carefully, my panties
came off perfunctorily,
and i stuck my fingers in
rapidly, in grim preparation,
so that your cock could
venture out from your briefs
into me like a prudent periscope

the spiderlegs of viruses
real and alive
dead and imagined
crawldanced in our heads
and bound our
hands away from
where they were needed
and i clasped your
one arm to my chest
like a shield
to ward me from
evil
and sighed
and i could not believe
this was real

i could not believe i
was opened again
after all these months,
barely moist
and too tight, unprepared
and i couldn't commit
to this short time
and i couldn't commit
to your caution
i imagined the world away
and i waited, but it didn't happen
and i waited, clenched, tight, and you
murmured to let you in, and it
hurt and you asked me if it hurt
but i said no, because i didn't care
i just wanted you there
right then

during, i hated you
for not losing control, and i
knew neither of us would cum
and i tried to suck you in, flexed
i had thoughts of slapping you
as you pulled out and you apologized
and it was okay, the violence gone, and after
i was tender and happy again and far afterwards
i hated me for not caring
what might happen to you during

you went to the bathroom
i heard you splish splash
your cock clean
the only smell on my fingers
was rubber and i got up and got dressed
and we found each other in the hallway
and we found ourselves in a hug
and i felt so heavy, so happy
in your arms

later as i sat alone on your couch
i sneaked a kiss on the crown of
your moody cat and
he bumped his nose back
unexpectedly onto me
his whispers perked up
like a beaming
wizened old man
and he put a paw on my lap
uncertainly
making to sit there
only to pounce off abruptly
when you walked back in



i was there where you were
right there
right then
tasting

my mouth
my fingers
my nose
all plastered
into you, stifled
and hot,
right at your seam
with her

her salt
mixed with you
on my tongue

a confused flavour
she rode you harder
than i ever did, sucked you
deeper and better
than i ever could
you groaned praise like i had
never heard
this young little thing
and i pulled her hair away from
her face to watch her
and you winked at me
when the strands slipped forward again,
mouthing words i did
not understand

you had kissed my forehead
dutifully, tenderly,
protectively before you
left the room to get her

you started
her with long kisses,
just the long tongue-filled
kisses you never offered me,
just when i had stopped thinking
of this, this is how you started

you hardly knew her
and i watched, frozen,
trying to shake the nightmare
so the dream could begin,
and the dream would
begin, my body was pressed on your back
where you had put me
and i waited, swallowing,
determined not to move

you said later
when i asked, that you guess
you could do it because it was casual
enough with her and i thought of my lips
on him that time, hard and wet and sucking,
strange and easy and hot,
and i hated how much i wanted
to believe you, how easily i rationalized
and i hated
why i should even care

but i do not know
what made you
not even try with me...
was it the caring
or the not caring
when it comes to me?
i do not understand
either alternative
is hard to think
about

i think you do not kiss me because
you are kind and you know me
you see me see you
you see me be with you
right there
right then
right here
right now
writing you

you know me enough not to pull
me any further in
then you want
no more
no less
you ask for nothing
and you reject to take
everything and
you know in your kiss
with me, you would take just this

in the end,
gently, firmly,
you decline

you say no thank you, in a way i cannot
if you think me still
around to change your
mind, change your mind
it is not that, it is simply that i cannot
there is no no inside when it comes to you
i take any chance i get
i cannot
(yet)

we took turns taking off our clothes
you helped her peel off her jeans,
saying let's take off your socks too,
as cute as they are,
then it was my turn, and i did not
look at either of you, pushed it all
down quickly without your help,
i sat on the bed half-naked
i felt strange for not feeling strange
my bras and panties were the same
as those ten minutes on your bed
and it was my only tiny weak
wink in your direction
as you had said that you liked
them very much
she had the same lingerie on
as in her black and white photo
except turquoise, pretty,
i should not have been thinking
of clothes, but it was not
for very long that i did,
mostly i felt odd for feeling
proud, and i was in casual
like for my exposed skin

she looked tiny on you
you looked
a hefty brute
her ass a curvy heart on your lap
and she was quiet just humming
now and then

you lay together
your hand waved backwards
towards stunned me, mouth still on her,
motioning to join, so i breathed
and did

her body reclined
was tempting
a lush sweet
little feast
she looked falsely familiar
i felt no momentous occasion
i was like the teenage
boy and i felt like my ex and
i wanted to squeeze her breasts

you told me to take off
her bra, that she liked that
but i did not give a damn for what you told me
she liked right then; i just curved my fingers underneath
and pulled the two bits of lacy cloth aside
to touch and i felt bold, and i forgot, for
one second, you

i do not think
you liked this much
but then,
i'm not sure if she did either
she felt like soft sugary goodness
in my palms, all that skin, but
she hardly changed at all
i did not know who she hummed for
so quiet, body so limp,
taking it in
i was like that horny teenage boy, unsure,
i did not know why i was there for her
i wish i knew her apart from you
and my interest dipped its head
slightly down


you fucked
her for minute after minute after minute
until i threatened to really get bored
i do not remember how you entered
her; it seemed too fast, too sudden to take in
but i liked how your ass looked on top of
her; you were in the smoky motel mirror too
you looked the part
the part of the man
i wanted to be fucked by

i wanted to be obscene
i think i wanted to violate you
i pulled your hair instead
i did not care how this felt
for you
i just needed something to hold
on to

sometimes
you looked at me
and moved to kiss me too,
short and hard,
i did not want it,
not now, not with
those lips turned inexplicably free,
and i wanted to push you
down and do it properly,
your breath was
warm and your
taste straw-bland
with a whiff
of sweet


sometimes
we held hands


sometimes
i did not know
whose leg i was
rubbing my panties
on or whose hands
were on my nipples

and every time i was
on all fours with my
ass in your view,
you slapped it and
she giggled, surprised,
and i moaned like
i was complaining

still later all i cared
was how it felt for you
put my hand just so for you

her, for you,
i wanted to break down
just enough to know how to
touch so that she dripped
more for you, even make her cum for you
my head my thoughts anything
all focused on honeying
your fuck, my hands all over
both your skins and
the sweetness of this docility
began to overwhelm,
the grandness of this humility...
to put what i found myself watching
at sole helm of my actions,
it was just so sweeping and compelling,
i would have done anything
anything, you understand?

(maybe why i am the one
who suggested this to you,
thinking of the giddiness of the saccharine
surrender i felt that time at your house,
when your cock was out and you were behind me
and i knew simply that you were not going to push inside,
not when like this; but only so close
and true to this real edge,
did i feel a peace

i was strong, you know,
and i did not collapse
or cry or die...
seemed to come close and then
didn't...)

it was hard to look at you
when you did not look at me,
absorbed in your in and out,
and i could not look
away; it was hard to be looked at
by you, the way you caught
my eyes

your eyes looked
the way eyes do when they are
trying to convey a thought
telepathically,
focused and intense
-no accidental
personal exposure with you-
i knew what you were trying to tell me,
i want to fuck you now
i want to right now
i hid away, i looked to the mattress
i bit my lips and half-frowned
with my finger inside her
my cunt in my throat with that look
i worried about my nails instead
and i wondered at her feel
the strange angle and not knowing
which way to go more in
and you pushed me near your ear
you murmured to me see, see
how good it feels and then you
pushed me even closer and so quiet
she could not hear
i want to fuck your brains out now
i want you to know
and your tongue thrust into
my listening

i was happy
but this duplicity
now that we were three
made me uneasy

hapless and reckless
inside her
your cock
got larger than i
thought possible,
larger than i even
managed to muster a picture
of when inside

but right then, with my head twisted
sideways, my stomach was placed
against hers in a cross,
i saw the veins of your cock
sticking out
from inside of her,
every contour
defined,
with the skin pulled back
so taut

so rigid
i couldn't believe how much...
my favorite part of you:
your last stretch
my one hand fisted around your
base and i
felt for your balls
but it was all just pushing to
your buried head bit by bit
as you got ready
you were so thick
so hard
god i remembered
your last stretch
and i sunk my head
in the bed
and she moaned
and i could not keep
my hands there
any longer
to feel the drip
i could hardly
keep balance
i cried out
i barely
heard you


later you put your
right index and third
fingers inside me
your left ones in her
my arm was near her arm
side by side
i resisted first
and then i felt
that warm delicious
streak inside, in your
carelessly confident push,
too sudden,
after all this, so
quickly to come to this,
i tried to fight it but
i was squishing already

i was loud, i did not care
i wanted her, you, world to hear
she got louder too, more
than before, i felt that
she was an echo of
me and i felt bad
to think this

and you said
there we go,
the way you always do
now in front of her
your fingers in her
your fingers in me
you looked at me
you said my name
you counted from ten
you told me when



i came so hard
i came so hard
i came so hard




after i felt tired
and friendly
you left the room
discreetly
to wash your hands
you told us not to go
anywhere
and i muttered that i did
not think we could move anyhow
and she giggled
her simple mmhhmPH,
her strange instant switching into
a channel of pure hilarity

i was alone with her
i lifted my head
and put my hand on her hair
gently, wanting her to
be more real, and i asked her,
grammar unheeding,
are you good?
i felt condescending,
like a big sister,
and she giggled
that mmhmmPH
again, saying yeah,
saying
i've never had sex
in a motel...

you came back, asking if there
was room for you
she laughed and said
we're done with you
and it occurs to me now
how pathetic that i never
could even joke
that i
was
done
with
you

you lay between us
and you asked me if i felt
better now and i just laughed,
she giggled, my chest did those
odd shudders and flutters
i always get afterwards

when asked how that was,
she chirped only
i'd do that again
and i envied her this
decision
though i knew when it came down to it
i would too

(i probably will)


when asked how that was,
i said
it was... cool, quietly
and you felt the need to explain to her
that i was like a computer,
slow and complex to process,
only to spit out pages
and pages of brilliance later
she laughed
i felt a bit mocked
i felt a bit pleased


you held my thigh as we lay there
you squeezed the flesh hard
as we all exchanged
pleasantries,
you twisted me in a series of hard
pinches, short long long short,
and i knew this code
i knew what you were trying to say,
i want to fuck you still
i want to fuck you now

i did not respond, did not
move
it was hard to believe
it was over, that
we had done it
and i'm sorry, but a
part of me was relieved
that i had somewhere to
go, would not have
to lie around after sex
for very long, it's just that we
hardly ever
have alone
and i'm sorry, a part of me
was thinking of where my belongings
were and what time it was,
and i'm sorry, a part of
me was not with you,
right there,
right then

i could not see what
your other hand was doing