pushing back

Just found out, no T for me tommorow. :(

He’s said that he is still feeling really un-sexy from the accident. That he feels a little antsy, anxious about a ‘for-sex’ visit. He’s assured me it has nothing to do with me. The fact that I have to travel to see him, and that it would have been a shorter visit also does not help.

I understand. I’ll be a little worried for him though, if it goes on for much longer. I believe him for now that it’s nothing serious. I understand that it’s the smallest of feelings. I just think even the littlest trace of worry that niggles at you underneath can start to do some damage after a while.

I want to tell him, maybe I could help you, maybe I could fuck you, maybe I could help you feel a little more alive.

How presumptuous would that be?

He is so cool in my books, I feel the drips of passion and energy and thought he has put into his life. I hate to see him at anything less. I’m not saying he can’t or shouldn’t be any less. We all are from time to time. I just mean that the smallest of losses is more marked because of who I believe him to be.

It is too bad we can’t pluck friends out of their clouds. We can encourage. We can distract a bit. We can even offer advice. But really the most of what we can do is stick around and hope.

I’m pretty disappointed though I must say. I was quite frankly rearing to go. I was even going to refrain from touching myself today to build up some tension, but luckily I decided against it last second. :)

I was also ready to kick up some kink. Try something new. I won’t say more, let’s see if it happens, and then I can spring it on here as a surprise.

I have to admit too that it bugs me a little that he said he’s been trying to push this feeling back. We’ve had a couple of sexy talks since then, I’d hate to feel like any of them were forced, or him going along for my sake. That has to be my biggest pet-peeve. To feel like you’re bouncing off someone’s energy. And then to be told later, yeah actually, I wasn’t that into it at all. Maybe it’s my pride, and also partly a bad experience I had, but I never, ever want to be around someone, unless I can know and trust that I’m completely wanted there. With no fronts.

This fear of mine makes me overly shy and sensitive and unwilling to make a move sometimes.

So it makes me happy that he told me this now, instead of discovering when I got there, or afterwards, or never at all. Like he said, it really could have made things weird between us if it persisted and he kept pushing back.

God knows I’ve had to push back a lot of stuff too these past two weeks. Sometimes you’re able to break through, sometimes you’re not. Sometimes we force ourselves, for personal reasons we can’t avoid. Not to accommodate another, but to feel like things are still going on as always. We play along with whatever’s in our lives, hoping life will play back, and it helps sometimes, when it turns out to be more real than we expected. When we can still get something out of it.

I tell myself it doesn’t diminish the past few encounters we had.

Do you know, it’s funny, or maybe it’s not, I’ve been doing something similar in this blog a bit these past two weeks?

I have a confession. My flu only lasted a week. I stayed at home during that whole time. The week after that I was better. I just didn’t go to school.

I sat here and wrote. I still have all the stuff due from two weeks ago. And now the stuff due for a week from now. I’m still sitting here and writing.

There are a couple of things I wrote I couldn’t even post. I’m thinking I should just put them up here though. For me. Because somehow posting it up is a lot different than having it stew as a word document on my hard drive.

I’m avoiding. I feel completely setback. I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole of schoolwork. I’m not sure I want to. No motivation again. I feel little licks of depression at my toes, days are so short, it’s so cold outside, I haven’t been out in so long. I try to ignore it.

My assignment is just an assignment. But it looms like a noose ready to wrap around my neck. I step up to it, and I want to run away.

I look like I’m having fun in the meantime. I’ve in fact sometimes been overly jovial.

These are great distractions. And then these are great guilts, for all I’m not doing. For all the screw-ups.

I’ve started lying again. Avoiding phone calls.

I don’t know what it is, if I just feel like I’m in this constant struggle to prove myself, because I have this burning desire to be a fucking hero(ine) in everything I do. And every setback I encounter is an excuse for relief from that fight. Yes, you’ve failed, at least now you know it. No more questioning and doubts.

Sigh.

If I can know all this, if I can see how negative and damaging and irrational this is, and I do, then I should be able to walk away.

I can do this. I don’t have to do that to myself again. I can step out of this trap. I don’t have to go there again. I don’t.

I can push myself.

I can.