clearly - i ache (part II)

The next morning I woke up and I felt calm. I saw the fear that had been clouding everything up and making everything needlessly impossible. The same panicky fear every time there’s a change.

After writing down of the intensity with T the night before, I realized it isn’t something to fear. It’s just what it is, and I enjoy it thoroughly. It’s what I want. It’s what I crave. It satisfies me. That was it. Why run away?

When I caught T online this time, I was ready to talk. He said if I needed more space it was fine, but no I was ready. I wasn’t doing very well, I was still a little all over the place, but this time I was calm. I told him how it had been startling to be filled with a huge, strong craving for him, after having sex with someone else. This was tricky area, and even typing it now I cringe a little. I told him how it made me feel bad for N a bit. Still, the craving couldn’t be denied. I told him about talking with N, told him about what seemed to be lacking. I didn’t write N off completely because I wanted to be fair to him, and I really hadn’t known him long enough to tell.

Long silence. He had told me from the beginning, that I could take all the time I wanted, but that I had to give him input, because he couldn’t come to a decision about us without hearing from me.

I tried to think of what I wanted to say.

T: Anything you want to say regarding us?
L: Hmmm

Long silence.

T: You don’t have to.
L: I know.

Just tell him what you were thinking yesterday, I thought. You typed it out before here. Now type it to him.

Still silence. And then…

L: I was thinking of how much I really do like to hear of your want for me. Like if you tell me you want to hear me cum. It's very.. real. I really feel like I’m always completely there… and you are too.
L: I guess we’ve mentioned it before kinda…
L: But it really does leave my cunt instantly aching when I hear that, every time.. It's powerful

Pause. I felt nervous. I was tingling though just from talking about it.

T: That’s hot
T: That made me hard at once, out of control

Oh. Unexpected. Yes, I was definitely aching again. And it was good.

Blurry and good.

to be continued