I might have herpes. I can’t think of any better way of starting this post, even if it is a new year, and after a long absence.

A round bump on my inner labia appeared, swelled up painfully and then disappeared over the course of three days. I was still away and with family, so I didn’t go to the doctor. The country I was in isn’t very open in its attitudes about a sexually active woman anyways. I feared taking into confidence a possibly hostile and unprofessional doctor.

I should have just gone.

I got to a doctor here as soon as I came back, but the damn thing had healed. I was told it might be herpes but I would have to wait to see if it happens again and get the lesion tested. There are blood tests, but they seem to only work a couple of months after infection, if at all.

It could come again in a month. It could never come again. It could be nothing. A blocked gland or something. I could never know. I’d still have to tell every potential partner about it.

I told T of course, and he’s perplexed, seeing as he’s never had any problems and has never heard from any partners. Apparently something like two thirds of those who have sex have it and around 80% of them don’t show any symptoms. So it wouldn’t be very surprising.

The weird thing is I don’t really care for myself. It sounds pretty harmless. Even if I get a symptomatic outbreak every month. A little extra pain in my life, a little more risk for a baby during pregnancy unfortunately, but whatever, I’ll deal with it.

But who the hell is going to be willing to deal with it with me?

I was going to meet up with N (new boy, initial worthy after all) and well, we were really rearing to go. Now I had to tell him about it, and of course it put things on hold. I think he’s hoping that I’ll somehow find out it was nothing. But I don’t see that happening any time soon. And I don’t see him sticking around forever, or commiting enough to take the risk, no matter how careful we are.

I’m not so near-sighted as to be complaining just about not being able to have sex now or for the next few months. The question is when then? And with whom?

Someone else with herpes I suppose. And with the same type as me. Though testing for the type in Canada seems a bit difficult.

I can’t do any other way I don’t think. I can’t imagine forming a solid long-term relationship with someone without having sex with them. I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me. It’s a vital part of my life. I don’t want to lose it. Is this shallow? Should I rethink this?

I’ve been calm about this whole thing, trying to swallow the consequences of actions that were my choice.

But last night in bed, I started to think about how N may be coming down for dinner today, and of how badly we’ve wanted each other, and how little we could probably do now. (I don’t feel ok enough to talk more about N and implications for T. Maybe later.)

I thought maybe we could kiss, then I thought maybe I had spread the infection to my mouth (happens, but rare) and maybe he wouldn’t want that risk. So no blowjob either. Handjob maybe. Maybe just slip his hands into my pants. Wash them with soap afterwards. Maybe just through my pants. Maybe just my breasts. Just a hug. A hold? It hit me all at once, I felt like a leper, I started to cry.

All this, for something that might turn out to be nothing. I’ll go get a second opinion.