what now?

I don’t know what to do. I’m so stunned.

Last night T happened upon my blog. I gave him the opportunity to do it, truth be told. I sent him the Fleshbot roundup link to my blog because he was curious to see it, ‘his name in lights’ as he called it. I trusted him not to read my blog, thought he just wanted to see it there between all the other blogs. Before I could tell him not to click on any of the links, he had already. He said he wanted to read the story, thought the bottom link was to my blog, the top title of the story just to the passage. That part, I don’t know, I still kind of believe.

Maybe you know what’s coming up.



As soon as I pointed out that the link to my story IS my blog, he stopped immediately. I was going to tell him that it was ok. To just finish reading and then x the window and forget it. I wasn’t comfortable with him being there with all my titles and post headings on the side, but I figured it was an honest mistake, no point of freaking out. I felt unpanicked, I did trust. But before I could say anything, he was telling me that it was definitely not cool for him to be there, that he would never want to intrude that way. He told me he deleted the link at once from his Internet history. I believed him. He’s always been so honest with me. And respected my privacy.

He asked me questions later that night. He said there were two things he would want to know if he were to look at my blog, so he preferred to ask me directly instead…one, was if he had ever hurt me in any way throughout, second, if I had really just had the one encounter with N.

I was a bit surprised at the pointedness of the questions, if you know what I mean. I tried to answer best I could. Told him no, he had never hurt me. I had been occasionally confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, but not hurt. I admitted there had been one brief sexual encounter with N beforehand, and that I had felt uncomfortable talking about it. I told him I felt bad that I let it happen the way it did, kind of springing it on T without any talk beforehand.

This morning, I logged into my ‘blog patrol’ site. My stats site basically. I was looking at my referrers and saw the Fleshbot roundup was there as a referral. I smiled, and thought, well, there’s T. Then I looked at my last 25 visitors. I noticed someone had logged in and looked at a whole bunch of posts on my blog. Seemed to have read them too because there were gaps of minutes in between. The person was on my site for a good hour. It was from T’s city. It was around the time when we were talking and when he happened on the blog. The entry time was the exact same time that the referral from Fleshbot was reported to have happened.. There was one more person who came upon my site during that 3 hour interval, but it was a company name, and not in Canada.

I even just looked up the IP now and it turned out to be in his area of the city. L I’m pretty sure it’s him.

I still want to believe. I’m staring at this goddam site praying the stats will just change. Praying there’s some other explanation. Praying I’m wrong. I don’t see how I can be. And believe me, I’m really trying to see.

I don’t know what to do. Well I do. I will have to give him a call soon or find him online and let him know what I found. I have to do it today, I will go crazy otherwise.

If he doesn’t admit to it, then what? Believe him? Always have that doubt in my mind? I’m still really really trying to think if there’s another explanation. Maybe the site just had a screw up. ? Is showing links that he didn’t click on? :( But the posts that showed up are the ones I can imagine him wanting to read kind of, from their titles And it would explain his questions more.

If he does admit to it, I don’t know either. I understand the temptation to look around I do. I understand even the impetus to lie about it out of shame. Still, I just.. I didn’t expect it of him. I feel like a fool. I don’t know. It’s deception, pure and simple. I mean he even told me last night that my privacy was sacred, that he would never go behind my back and try to find it and read. And more importantly than the cover-up afterwards, he betrayed a really direct request I made of him. To not read my blog.

And if he apologises, if he says he couldn’t help but look around, but that he really did delete after that hour, what do I do? Do I believe him? Do I trust him again?

I really just wish it never happened. And a sad part of me just wants to forgive and forget and move on because I don’t want to lose this. I liked this. I like him.

I want to pretend it never happened, it's almost tempting, he would never have to know I know. Just like I never had to know he looked. But how would I feel towards him if I carry on this charade?

I had such a great chat with him last night, came three times, discussed different aspects of our friendship and sex. He described a fuck that was so hot, I came so hard. Then hours later we started to talk again, this time about the threesome. When we came the second time, this time I was the one doing the talking. My first time. I was so excited to write about both events. I felt connected with him, like we understood each other, were going to continue to have fun together. I believed him.

I'm so upset. If it’s true, if he did do this, read my blog and lie about it, and like I said I can't figure out what else could be true, it hurts.

He hurt me.

Not confused or frustrated or overwhelmed this time.

Hurt.

(And who knows now what to do with this blog?)