and back

I’ve missed writing here. Well, I’ve missed the desire to write here.

I told myself I wouldn’t come back to write here until I went ahead and got at least three things done on my important-things-to-do-if-I’m-going-to-make-it-in-this-world list. I’ve done five, though one of them was not so significant. It was just doing my laundry.

Yeah I know. And there is still much more to go. But I did something productive at least. Five things even.

Still, getting back here is difficult.

Talk to me three weeks back and you would have talked to someone who felt, for a moment, cautiously happy. I had begun to figure out how I could sort my masters out. My family was all gone. T was on holiday but he had left me a promising and exciting message about how much he looked forward to his return. We had made clear our desire to meet and fuck once he got back. I was excited.

It’s been nearly six months since I’ve had sex. With plans on the horizon, the anticpation seemed a sweet pain in my life once again. Time seemed to come alive and stuff. I sang yearny songs. I hummed while naked in the mirror. I got the occasional body shiver. I smiled to myself. I waited.

A week later I got a call from the doctor. The pap smear from my physical had come back mildly abnormal. ASCUS to be precise. Atypical Squamous Cells of Undetermined Significance. Meaning: we haven’t the faintiest, but come back in six months and we’ll try and tell you.

ASCUS. These five letters have turned my plans-- and for some reason, my world in general-- topsy-turvy.

I have been through hell and back in these past two weeks. I mean both the hell and the back part. I have lost hope. I have felt filled with optimism. I have cried until my nose and lungs begged for reprieve. I have then blown my nose, taken a deep breath, paused for a moment thinking I’m done, and then gone right on crying. I have researched until my brain was black and blue with the constant punches of information from every corner. I have felt staunch and fine and calm and ready to deal with all that comes my way. I’ve wanted to do the right thing. I’ve wanted to weasel out and flake. I’ve been philosophical, I’ve been whiny. I’ve been mature and logical, and then I have wanted to be held in someone’s arms like a baby and scream. I have thought several times that I have come to major decisions in my life and views, and then they have seemed to all vaporize in the next moment’s caprice. You get the idea.

I have gone through these cycles sometimes over a couple of days, sometimes over a day, sometimes a couple of times over a day, sometimes within an hour.

I am not completely sure why this has elicited such a wide range of strong, rapidly fluctuating responses from me.

I’ve a lot to say on this, much to get out, to explain just why I’ve been so all over the place. But for now I just wanted to touch base again. I think I will feel less overwhelmed if I just let it out in as many tidbits as I need, whenever I can.

If anyone's still around, good thoughts are welcome.