valentine redux (part I)

There are moments that I know I should regret, if nothing but for their sheer stupidity, but I can’t.

I think of my red necklace when I think of that night. The way it sparkled right at my throat like blood.

It was my ex’s birthday and I was horny. Premenstrually so. In translation, insanely so. I remember my dark jeans and my crispy white buttoned shirt cinched right at my waist with a wide black belt. Black bra. One could catch glimpses of it, slight hint of recurring waves of modest cleavage, every now and then as I danced.

I didn’t know he was looking at me. Actually, honestly, I felt like everyone was. I knew this couldn’t be true. I bared hardly any skin, other than the occasionally forming plunge of my shirt. There was that crimson at my naked throat I suppose. But I am not the skilled, seductive dancer type, let’s get real.

Inside though was that feeling again. I was stalking. I was feeding off every glance. Yes, closer, yes, the more I felt them, the more they felt me, they more I felt them. I was growing inside like this, just this lust accruing through the night. Everybody was a body, and every eye wanted a fuck.

He told me later, what was funny was even my brother was trying to rub up on you. I knew. So were his friends. I wouldn’t do it to him, though. Not with them. I laughed, smiled at them all, moved away politely.

I didn’t know he had noticed. He hardly looked my way. He was dancing on the other side with his girl friend who was not his girlfriend, not then. He and I were not ignoring each other. Our paths were simply not intersecting.

The setup. Looking at it now, I guess it was perfect.

I got up on the crowded platform for the third time of the night, my blood rich and skinny with tequila by then. The man behind me had been on the platform the whole night. He placed his dark hands around my waist, pulling my back gently to him. I liked him. I had watched him dance. I could tell somehow that he was there for the music, the way he moved his frame to a private beat in his head. I hesitated and then pushed back against him. We were together for a moment like this, two complete strangers. I had guessed him correctly. His hands, they did not roam, they did not demand more. He simply moved, so that I had to move the same way. My back was warm against him. In my sideways glance I could see him mouthing the words, and I laughed and sang along too. He loosened his arms a little wider to let me move more freely. I liked the non-committal look on his face, still inside his head, I was just a body for him to feel it more, to move against. I liked too that he left it to me, that I could push more if I wanted, turn around and press to him, angle my hips a little more towards his swaying body. I could feel that he might respond, if I wanted. This choice was his tease in my mind. It made me hot.

He told me later, saw you dancing with that random guy too. I did not know he noticed.

I did not really dare to go much farther with this stranger. With a last smile at him, I stepped down to go get another drink. The man gave a slight nod towards me, never skipping a beat. He simply moved to dance in another direction, as I had expected.

Do you think my ex was relieved at my choice?