what to hold, what to let go

I’ve been hanging by a thread for a while now. It’s been difficult to tell that this is how I’ve been feeling, even to myself. The thread thins at night, reveals itself for what it is. I am too close for comfort to say that I’m fully ok.

This is how it starts. An edge of panic that paralyses your actions. An uneasy, obsessive immersion in distractions. A seductive voice whispering at the back of your head… give up, give up, give up…

I try to surround myself with people. I am ok when around people.

But I want to be left alone.

It begins selfish like this, when people start to feel like complications.

A close friend begs you to come over on the weekend. You’ve been putting her off for a month, for valid reasons. Assignments, marking, calling parents, bills, laundry, cleaning, buying food, classes. You’ve been trying to figure these simple things out through your fog . Now she’s in the equation.

Accept, refuse, make time for, or not. A hope that she’ll understand if you can't make it, that it won’t be held against you. The thread sags, smallest of sags, but you can’t help but resent a little how she’s shaken up your balancing act.

Go away, you want to say. Go away. I’m trying to be.

I have to be, before I can do all the rest.

Hoping for a message from T yesterday after messaging him, watching him go offline without a word, I realise this. I don’t have the energy to maintain this, whatever friendship, relationship, whatever we have. I hate to take leave when he’s down too, but a little part of me says goodbye, or at least au revoir. See you when I see you, I’ve got to stop looking and waiting.

We used to play a game when we were children at the beach. We would build sandcastles right at the edge of shore, close enough for white waves to crash on top. The challenge was to dig a moat deep enough, to keep the smaller waves off for long enough to build something worthwhile in the meantime. At least before that larger wave that no moat could capture finally came. Digging and building and rebuilding, a race against waves.

Life keeps crashing on T and me. We’ve been like this from the beginning. We’ve done well with what we could get, but little complications are always holding us back.

I don’t feel like digging right now. Maybe I shouldn’t have seen us as something to build in the first place.

It’s not that I’ve given up on him, or that I plan to cut myself off. I just feel myself utterly distanced all of a sudden. He’s ceased to matter. Again, I know he shouldn’t have anyways, not so much.

I figure we’ll stumble back into each other again some time if we need to.

I’m hanging on though. I’m ok. I focus on the thread. To keep it there.

I’m trying to take steps. I’ve made an appointment, hopefully I can get a doctor’s note for my missed assignments and classes. Maybe I’ll be getting back on meds. I’ve asked my sister for help with my work. I’ve talked to friends who do matter.

If I don’t post for a while, it’s because I’m picking up the pieces. Wish me luck.