what is missing

I miss my ex.

I miss his friendship, I miss having someone to call every night.

I miss being loved.Who doesn't love being loved?

I miss the hugs. You know the kind of hugs I mean. Where neither wants to let go and for that one moment, you are each other's haven, as corny as that sounds.

I miss sex with my ex too. (sex with my ex.. catchy)

I miss the tenderness sometimes.He fumbled, he was clumsy, he was impatient.. but he loved.

He used to collapse down on me when we were done. I loved having his head on my chest, I would play with his curls, his body lined a little below me. Looking down at him in my arms like that, I would get this rush of fierce protection. I knew in those moments that every cliche was true, that I would do anything for him, realised how important it was to me that he be happy.

This man who loved me.He loved so simply, without complications, encompassing everything.

I loved him back, though maybe my heart wasn't quite big enough.

Loving sex is so different from casual sex.

My ex could get a hard-on just from me walking in to the room. I could be dressed shabby as hell, hair in an oily knot, face undone, and still it would happen.

I guess some women wouldn't see it as a huge compliment, would feel objectified and such.. but to me, it was the ultimate and sweetest gift he could give me. That it was just my presence and nothing else that turned him on.

And I remember him entering me, he would do it so unsurely and gently sometimes, looking right into my eyes, and I remember once, it really did feel like a revelation. It was old, but it felt so new, the experience of it, we were joined, I could feel him, I could feel it, it was so tangible and clear.I remember blabbing, not knowing how to express, I remember saying:'Yes, yes, yes, I feel it, I really do, I feel your love'

And he said only:'Yes, it was always there'

But it ended. Somehow or the other, I let it die off.

Or it was all in my imagination? Just another fairytale for me to spin and then destroy...

The 'physical' relationship I'm in right now is exciting, free, playful...he brings me to pleasure as I've never felt before.

But for all my gain, I miss all the other stuff, real or not. And having sex with him reminds me of all that stuff.

It's not HIS love that I want... but love is missing from my life.

PS. I'd like to write a better composed actual piece about this some time, but the pain is too fresh to paint with just yet. Anyways, this probably isn't the last you'll hear of my sex/love conundrum. I hope you can bear with me.