stilled

T has been understandably shaken from his accident. It is difficult to know what to tell him. I have always been a good empathizer, but a very poor comforter. I just tell him that it’s normal to feel shaken, and that it can take a while sometimes, but that he will feel better eventually. This from my experience, albeit a less significant one. But I don’t go into my experience with him at all, the last thing he needs is more talk of accidents.

Between his accident and me being sick, our sexual energy hasn't exactly been off the charts. Or even on the bottom of the charts. At least not until our 'devious' incident.

But the morning of that day, he said there was one nice thing to do when we felt this way. To push inside me just barely hard and just rest there. Inside my warmth and wet. Just stay there. And that it wouldn’t matter if he went soft after a while. That I would just be there surrounding him, and that there would be a comfort in that.

Mmm this kind of comfort, I would have no problems providing.

I remember asking this sometimes of X. He would push in eager, immediately beginning to thrust. I would hold him down selfishly with my arms, stilling him. Just stay, don’t move, just stay inside me. He would look a bit confused, but he would always comply. Only for a second though, he would always start moving again too soon, afraid of losing his erection.

I remember he stayed once like that long enough for me to be satisfied. I had him trapped in my arms, and he was finally relaxed and still. There was this silence, the silence of suspended animation. You could hear only our breathing, our chests pushing against each other. My eyes were closed and I sighed slowly. I was fully taking in for the first time the feel of him inside me.

He admitted later that he was surprised at how long we had stayed like that without him going soft. And of course, I had been more than willing for some fast motion right afterwards.

But actually it wouldn’t have mattered if we hadn’t gone on to that. It might have even felt good, at least for me. To have him surrendered inside me, soft, gentle, sleeping. Just for me.