away

I'm off on a two week vacation.... wohoo.

Enjoy your holidays !!

Stay hot,
Learn

yay

T messaged me just now and he's feeling better and we made plans for this week.

LOL. Life is funny.

(chain posting today I know)

random

I remember suddenly how he grabbed me behind my knees that first time, and he pulled me up to his face, and he looked like a boy digging into a dripping watermelon slice on a sticky summer day.

gah

hallo? poke, poke.. sex? ..err.. are you there?

T is down a bit and I am sad for him. Think he may feel like wanting to avoid me a bit these days. I could be wrong, I can't tell. He's beginning to feel like a distant memory I can't recreate. I must see him before he dissapears. I think I'm writing this out of a superstitious hope, because every time I've complained here about not seeing him, I've ended up meeting him within a couple of days. Now that I've cracked the system it'll stop working, I know. :)

There is a new boy in the horizon. I don't know if he is initial worthy yet hehe. I don't trust him. I have this insatiable urge to turn him on though.

A chat with him made me realise the main reason why I don't want to date in the more conventional sense. I don't feel like having anyone put up with my lows again. I hate the reponsbility people I'm close to take for the way I can act.

I want to be able to dissapear when I want to.

dead time

she’s paused
with her mouth slack
she’s waiting
on her still ringing
phone call

watching across from her
i feel a sudden fear
i've failed to see the hand
held up to her ear

her bronze hair
a wiry shock
her gray eyes
frozen blank
her blanched skin
folded gaunt
motionless
i can't look

has she stopped
and we have gone on?

she suffuses back
all at once
flashing eyes
‘yes five more
minutes now-’
raising brows
‘yes make sure
you keep- ’
smiling

she’s not so ugly
after all

we rattle and shake
we lurch
no one moves
we’re bus people
we’re already home

i’ve got a mind for
dinner menus
and dry socks
no time for talk
shh
much awaits
shh
how much time
has passed?
shh

is it time to pull?
did i stay too long?
has it passed already?

whipping winds
waited for
maybe behind her talking head
maybe behind this black sheet
i can’t feel

i can’t hear
you anymore

are we here yet?

scalp.

neck.

shoulders.

back.

lower.

ass.

thighs.

ankles.

toes.

i need kneading.

needling

i seem to have lost a friend. or the beginnings of a friend.. i can't think of any reason why. .. i'm not even sure why i'm posting about it except it seems to be on my mind.

so easy to turn someone invisible on the internet. i've done it before. to a couple of people. for many different reasons.

shame.

retribution.

i don't mind that she did, or how she did it, i just can't figure out why. i make too much. sigh.

well then.. a smile and goodbye.

I will get this ball rolling.

I will not be passive.

I will not be shy.

I will talk.

I will take command if I must.

I will get this ball rolling.



Wish I knew how.

why me?

I don’t know why that last post came at a time like this.

I am in dire need of T right now. There’s no way around it, I’m consumed with the thought of him. It’s kind of terrifying.

Amidst all this deep down dark craving, my thought unexpectedly turned to X and I wrote. And maybe in some strange way, it was almost a comfort, this missing, this gentle tenderness. This I am used to by now. I miss him every day and you know, it barely hurts. It can’t. It was my own choice.

Maybe nothing more than one last attempt to hold on to my old safe life?

But this need for T right now it is just enough to bother me hard. It sits like a lead lump in the very center of my chest.

I wonder if this is what T meant by feeling something and needing it so bad it hurts. I wonder if I am as suggestible as all that.

It is more than that though. It’s my life right now that makes me want him. It’s being polite day in day out with my mom these last three weeks. It’s going to school, studying day to night. Sedated, calm, studious Learn.

I want to masturbate at night without having to quiet myself. I want to stick the first thing I find and ram it inside me. I want to feel plush and soaked. It bubbles up, I’m seething and this is what it is: anger, almost in tears from it. I toss and turn at night with thoughts of waking up and knocking everything in my room down, smashing the doors, screaming, and yes this too: being fucked hard, and cumming harder. I want to be me in all its intensity.

Threesome talk again with T. He wants it. I do too. I want it badly but I have the attention span of a monkey, and events in my life keep distracting me. I know he thinks I’m putting off because I don’t want it. I just want to feel ready. It’s a big thing, I want it to be good. There are lots of details to work out, and many things I probably won’t be able to decide about until I actually try. I wonder why I’ve been so shy to talk about it.

He tells me he needs it very strongly right now. Very strongly. He's not pressuring, just telling me. I tell him what I’ve been meaning to tell him, that the fact that I am not around or that I’m delaying should not stop him from carrying his want out. I’m not quite that selfish yet. Besides, doesn’t really stop us from doing it later if we both still want it. Obviously I’d be disappointed, especially since the idea of doing this when he is in such need for it is very hot. But I’m not here to play that kind of limiting role in his life.

He says he knows, but that I am his first choice. I tell him ‘thanks, that means something’.

Truth is I’m not too sure what it means. I’m not sure why I would be his first choice in this particular fantasy. He’s said he wants to watch me break a boundary. Virginal moi. And yes I’ve always been a leetle crazy when it comes to breaking boundaries. I never feel so alive, never get so excited, as when I’m doing something new. Aren’t we all like that?

This ‘why me?’ feeling is irrelevant I know, and it’s nothing I have control over. It’s something that’s already been floating around though, before all this talk. I had to ask him finally if he felt it’d been worthwhile meeting me. I’m not THAT insecure, but I feel like I need to know for sure before I can proceed any further. Like I’ve said before, I need to be where I’m wanted. I refuse to stick around where I’m being settled for, or worse yet, put up with.

It’s been a while, 6 months I think since I first met him in person. Another two years before that. We’ve grabbed moments here and there between ups and downs in our lives. Maybe I’m surprised we’re both still around. Then again, why should we not be?

He said ‘yes of course, it's been great...what a circle from where we began.’

All the answer I needed, I won't ask him again. At least, not for another six months hehe.

Argh so much to sort out, so little time. To be continued later I suppose.

one of many

I found a silver hair
In my mind today
I swear
I have a slowing
tower heart
Beats in shivers
I swear
This must’ve been
One of many

Times I’ve craved
a shower
for a lonely trance
a tiled dance
with myself
I’d disappear
out in a storm
with this
if I believed
I wouldn’t be seen

I found a torn page
In my thoughts today
I swear
You have a dying
lightbulb face
Beats in flashes
I swear
This will not be
One of many

Times I’ve craved
No one other
to feel lightning clean
No I’ll turn
into myself
I’ll disappear
into a mist
with this
I’ll make sure
You won’t be seen

No more
pacing the floor
where you first
kissed me
on my stomach
bare
I swear
My hair near the bottom
Of the stairs
Beam from the balcony
On our pair
of bodies
I swear

I took a dreamless nap
I took an empty shower
I found a silver hair
In my mind today

It must be
One of many

higher

Sitting in a moving bus, your hand above one of my knees, I whisper to you, ‘Could you move that hand a little higher please?’

(25 words)



My first official '25 words or less', a la Figleaf. So much end of term work, I don't have time to write much longer. (There is much to say...)