why me?

I don’t know why that last post came at a time like this.

I am in dire need of T right now. There’s no way around it, I’m consumed with the thought of him. It’s kind of terrifying.

Amidst all this deep down dark craving, my thought unexpectedly turned to X and I wrote. And maybe in some strange way, it was almost a comfort, this missing, this gentle tenderness. This I am used to by now. I miss him every day and you know, it barely hurts. It can’t. It was my own choice.

Maybe nothing more than one last attempt to hold on to my old safe life?

But this need for T right now it is just enough to bother me hard. It sits like a lead lump in the very center of my chest.

I wonder if this is what T meant by feeling something and needing it so bad it hurts. I wonder if I am as suggestible as all that.

It is more than that though. It’s my life right now that makes me want him. It’s being polite day in day out with my mom these last three weeks. It’s going to school, studying day to night. Sedated, calm, studious Learn.

I want to masturbate at night without having to quiet myself. I want to stick the first thing I find and ram it inside me. I want to feel plush and soaked. It bubbles up, I’m seething and this is what it is: anger, almost in tears from it. I toss and turn at night with thoughts of waking up and knocking everything in my room down, smashing the doors, screaming, and yes this too: being fucked hard, and cumming harder. I want to be me in all its intensity.

Threesome talk again with T. He wants it. I do too. I want it badly but I have the attention span of a monkey, and events in my life keep distracting me. I know he thinks I’m putting off because I don’t want it. I just want to feel ready. It’s a big thing, I want it to be good. There are lots of details to work out, and many things I probably won’t be able to decide about until I actually try. I wonder why I’ve been so shy to talk about it.

He tells me he needs it very strongly right now. Very strongly. He's not pressuring, just telling me. I tell him what I’ve been meaning to tell him, that the fact that I am not around or that I’m delaying should not stop him from carrying his want out. I’m not quite that selfish yet. Besides, doesn’t really stop us from doing it later if we both still want it. Obviously I’d be disappointed, especially since the idea of doing this when he is in such need for it is very hot. But I’m not here to play that kind of limiting role in his life.

He says he knows, but that I am his first choice. I tell him ‘thanks, that means something’.

Truth is I’m not too sure what it means. I’m not sure why I would be his first choice in this particular fantasy. He’s said he wants to watch me break a boundary. Virginal moi. And yes I’ve always been a leetle crazy when it comes to breaking boundaries. I never feel so alive, never get so excited, as when I’m doing something new. Aren’t we all like that?

This ‘why me?’ feeling is irrelevant I know, and it’s nothing I have control over. It’s something that’s already been floating around though, before all this talk. I had to ask him finally if he felt it’d been worthwhile meeting me. I’m not THAT insecure, but I feel like I need to know for sure before I can proceed any further. Like I’ve said before, I need to be where I’m wanted. I refuse to stick around where I’m being settled for, or worse yet, put up with.

It’s been a while, 6 months I think since I first met him in person. Another two years before that. We’ve grabbed moments here and there between ups and downs in our lives. Maybe I’m surprised we’re both still around. Then again, why should we not be?

He said ‘yes of course, it's been great...what a circle from where we began.’

All the answer I needed, I won't ask him again. At least, not for another six months hehe.

Argh so much to sort out, so little time. To be continued later I suppose.