half nekkid, fully dissapointed...plus or minus one

I’ve only got ten minutes or so left in my time zone to consummate sooo, without any further ado, here’s my first HNT. From my brand new digicam. It's a sucky shot in terms of lighting and angle, but I didn't have much time.

It's my favorite new sweater, that aqua color again, soft and thin and stretchy, warm though, and belted at my hips. And when worn with no bra and panties, it sits and hugs my skinjust right, stops just enough to cover me barely, like a dress, but one that was not made to be seen with in public.

Well, except for here.

I needed to do something to distract from my incredibly sore dissapointment. Yes, you guessed it, my possible third is already beginning to flake her flakes. And it looks like even if it will still happen with her, it won’t be this weekend.

Woe is me. I’m surprised by how disappointed I felt when T told me about it late last night. (I must have jinxed myself with that last post) . For about 5 minutes, this was all I could type in response:

Blah…..
Blech…..
Gah..
Boo..
K I’m done now...
Merde!

Sometimes only French will do.

They should have support groups for people whose threesome hopes get dashed. Oh wait, there is, it’s called a SEX BLOG. Love that. Send a lil support my way.

Anyways, they’re not completely dashed. The search goes on. And she might just pull through.

I was excited about her the first time we chatted. She was very direct, asked me a series of good questions and I gave her my answers, and then she stopped and said,

I think we should do this.

I had been staring bleary-eyed at the screen, nervous, four windows of women going all at once, which was actually more than the total I had managed to chat with directly in my two weeks of trying. One was asking me to take off my shirt and I was declining politely, the other was saying so, you want to share your man, though I had just finished explaining that we were more like friends, and the other had sent me a picture and wanted to know what I thought, and I wasn’t feeling her too much, sorry, but she looked kind of scary, so I didn’t know what to say.

I left the three on ok terms, saying we should talk later, knowing my juggling was doing noone good.

And then focused on her, quiet but down-to-earth, simple, direct, and then, let’s do this, she says.

Yes, let’s. Something about her hit the spot. I rolled up my dropped jaw and stammered some kind of positive response, and ran to contact T as quickly as I could so she could talk to him. And they talked, and he said she seemed like a definite possibility, attractive enough, near perfect personality. I thought cool, this might really work.

I talked to her that night after she got back from work. She said she’d been distracted from work thinking about it the whole day. Said she thought about it all the way home. Said she was really horny for it, wanted it to happen now. We were webcamming and her face was there, distracted and closed, eyes brewing arousal shyly. And I was there with sideways lashes and a smile that just could not be wiped. We had both admitted to not being totally sure about how much we’d like to do with each other. Just a little touch and play. I’m attracted to you, she said, I feel really comfortable, feel like we’re on the same page. With him too. Said she just felt like getting naked right then and there. I smiled. I braved it, and asked her what it was about it that was getting her excited at the moment. You, she said. Seeing you naked. I could only grin further. I’d like to see you fully aroused I admitted, looking away. Is that strange? No, she said, we should talk, it’ll help us be more comfortable. We were both beginning to feel it. She leaned back and I could see the slight rise and drop of her chest, more than before. I was holding back a bit of my breath too. I didn’t want to go too far, wanted this to be something we all shared, especially the first time around. Knew it was time to go to bed anyway. So I left, saying again how excited I was about the possibility of doing this. She corrected me, said it was going to happen, not just a possibility.

I had dealt with the realities inside somehow before I could even begin to let myself be truly excited about this. For her, I think that night is when reality actually began to hit.

Because the next day she was completely different. Excitement completely gone. Said she hadn’t slept well. She was talking to T at the same time. She’s nervous, T told me. Try to reassure her. I understood why she would be. I was a little too, but only a little. I did my best. Offered her thinly veiled advice in the form of how I had eased some of my own apprehensions. I was trying to get her to voice what it might be that was worrying her. She didn’t want to talk about it too much. I suggested she might feel better if she continued to talk to us both separately for a little longer, get to know us each, rather than as an impenetrable pair. She didn’t want any of it. Short answers. I don’t want to talk, let’s just do it, she said. We set a date. T and I felt a bit uneasy, but I figured, well, maybe she was just having a moment.

I could imagine her worries. I know that out of the three of us, she is the one in the most difficult position. She doesn’t know either of us. Him and I have already fucked. What if I don’t want her there? What if when faced with a real woman she doesn’t want anything to do with it at all? What if she doesn’t really like T? What if T isn’t attracted enough to her? What if my being there makes it worse? What if she becomes the outsider, rejected?

That she had these concerns I can understand. That she didn’t want to talk about them too much I can also understand. I mean, we all know about me and talking. But I feel like she could have gone about it a better way. We set the date on Monday, didn’t hear until yesterday that she couldn’t do Saturday like we had planned. Or Sunday. No explanation. No apology. No indication if she did actually want to set another date, or if she wanted out. What exactly were we supposed to do? We could reassure her only so much, she had to come into it positive and enthused and quite obviously with no pressure.

But we did talk today. Finally got her to say something about the things holding her back. They were pretty much the ones I had guessed. We were talking in three separate windows again, me and him, him and her, me and her. I was finding it awkward a bit, the balance, how much of each other’s conversation to report and all that. But it was ok all in all. T told me that he suggested that he meet with her first finally, and that she seemed a lot more open to that. I agreed, said it sounded like a good idea. I won’t fuck her, he joked. I know, I said. If it’s only me she’s after, I’ll quelch it, he said. Does quelch mean stop?, he asked as an afterthought. I laughed, because I got this image of him splashing her with a glass of water, the way you quelch a bubbling reaction in organic chemistry. No wait, I think that’s queNching. And yes I think quelch does mean stop. And in any case, yes, I knew that he had no hidden aim in wanting to meet her. Think it will help, he said, I can be pretty charming. I've noticed, I said.

I messaged her, told her that T had just told me, and said it sounded like a good way to make her feel comfortable. How do you feel about it?, she asked timidly. Told her I understood her point of view , and I did think it will help her. And if you guys are not a couple, she dot dotted. I reassured her we were not. Told her not to worry and that really it’s not going to work unless the two of them were attracted to each other. And if we are, she said, then we’ll do it. Definitely. I do want to do this, she affirmed.

Definitely, hmm, I’ve heard that one before. But I will give her benefit of doubt.

Secretly I feel like: yes, yes please, can you two please decide if you’re going to hit it off, quickly, so we can just get it on??? But I'll relax.

Wonder where this security and confidence regarding this venture is stemming from. I’m still afraid a little, I could never deny that. But I keep questioning it, poking at it, expecting it to crumble, and it just doesn’t. The only weird part of all this is that I don’t feel weird, really. Maybe my little adventure with N has given me this perspective. Maybe waxing on about my intense moments with T has given me that security. Because I guess I’ve started to see finally my sex with T as an objective reality, as something that actually exists and is good and that won’t be threatened easily. I’ve felt it. I’ve had it. Even if the sex ends for some reason, we’ve had a great run. And we’ve been mostly open and good to each other as friends, so I don’t see that changing overnight. Really, I can think of no better circumstance, no better person to try something like this with. More importantly, it’s corny, but things are finally starting to settle inside about myself.

I come into this sexy and horny, I get out this sexy and horny, no matter how it goes.

Amen.

And happy nearly belated HNT! Thanks Osbasso.



(ed. note: I'm amused that someone found this entry by asking 'what does quelch mean?' As it turns out, the word quelch does not exist. The word T was looking for was 'squelch', as in trample down and squish and supress. 'Quell 'and 'quench' are possible, but to me, slightly milder and friendlier synonyms, so we can see the confusion. I was right about 'quench' being the word used for adding cold water to reactions though. Sorry, I'm a word geek and dictionary.com makes for hours of amusement. And also, I'd hate to misinform.)