stun

Quiet and content and resting.

Today I feel this burning need to write something achingly beautiful. Something just right, icy and glassed over and reflective. From the outside. Nothing necessarily really about myself. Just a striking turn of phrase, an image that hits a new spot.

It is hard to explain, this need. If I could just let it out.

Nothing comes out. I know it is because I am glad. Just dealing with life and glad. Bit of an overdose of reality for a girl who likes to occasionally get lost in her mind.

I did it better as a teenager, getting lost.

And as a child it was the norm, I never quite grasped that I was an actual participant in life. Sitting at the dinner table without venturing so much as a word. Content to just listen and process. Sometimes to stop listening. Deep waters run silently, my mom would say, to adults who complained that I was too quiet. I don’t know that I was deep really. Just loved to observe. I’m glad she understood it was part of my nature, didn’t push me too much to change. Maybe it would have helped me in my life, to come out of that shell, but maybe a little something was preserved inside that way too.

But I look at the words I used to put on pages.

(I used to put pencil to paper, rather than type. I miss that. )

I look at those old words. Beautiful, hopeful, meaningless.

Still that need. Reach inside, let it out, spin it and stun.

Still not quite there.