r.i.p.

I’m serial posting on top of posts like no tommorow. I don’t really care.

This going to be rough. I hope I can admit this. I hope this will be true. I copped out two posts ago. Didn't lie, but evaded.

Yesterday, T also explained fully to me why he’d like to do this threesome. It was strangely in keeping with my thoughts a couple of days ago, though I’ve never brought up any of this to him.

He said he’s at the point where he needs to make a decision. He needs to decide if he’d like to settle down. If he needs more companionship. Or if he should continue doing what he’s doing: ‘having fun’. And if he continues what he’s doing, then he needs to decide if he wants to continue it just with me, or explore more with others. Then again, he’s nearly 29, he says. Maybe it’s time to find someone, maybe even live with them, just stop and explore each other, fully.

Oh.

He said my sleeping with someone else reminded him in a way of the nature of casual sex. (Not ‘with limits’ this time, just ‘casual.’ Tiny flinch inside.) It reminded him that if we weren’t getting the support, the devotion, the attention of a relationship, then we should be doing the things we can. Milking the freedom basically.

Oh.

(Except N was me being rash and random, testing the freedom and then getting practically nothing out of it. But ah well. You do things, and they give messages. Was that the message I was going for? Did I steer us further this way? )

I do get what he means. What is the point, if he’s not enjoying this to its maximum? What is the point, if he’s giving up, but not getting?

I think too we’re at a good point at which to do this, and it is something we really want to try. And like he said, something that’s going to haunt us if we don’t. We have enough trust, enough freedom. This took a while to build. This may be his last chance. For me too in a way, when will I get the chance again? These things are riskier in the context of a full relationship, he’s right.

I say I don’t want a boyfriend right now. And I don’t. I don’t want to date. I don’t know if I can do it over and over, bond and break, bond and break. T has talked of this too, his stint of year-long serial monogamies bringing him to where he is now. Where are you left after that, how do you give for a different one after the other and keep yourself together? Is my hope strong enough for that?

I want a friend though for my life. A close, good, solid, stick-with-me friend. I want to be that for someone. I don’t want to be alone.

The last two paragraphs nullify each other, huh? I’ve known this. Known I will have to shake and loosen my shoulders, get ready to kick punch back in. I need this time though.

I can live alone, I can take care of myself. Well enough for me, and I’ll get better along the way. I enjoy my own company. For all my ups and downs, I’m ok with me, give or take. I learn.

But I just want someone. It’s a need. It’s hard to describe, yet totally obvious. We all have it to some extent. And it’s not a fairytale. It’s life. A passing on of life, I’ve said it before over and over, but it’s all I can come back to. I feel it really strongly. It’s not just about children, though that is the most blatant expression of it I guess.

A partner. I want a partner. I don’t know why. I think it’s more than just conditioning though. Or it’s a conditioning that goes deep, deep into who I am. And if it’s that deep, that fundamental and indomitable, then hell, it’s me.

But, back to my ‘oh’s. I’d love to ignore them. We could let them slip by, our little secret. I could bitch about the pressure of finding a girl, rave about the fabulous sex we had, and no one would ever have to know, not even me. I could almost make it dissapear. Should I?

It’s weird to really know that you’re not meant to be with a person, and then still feel down and disappointed about it. It’s weird to hope he finds it, then still be envious of it. It’s more than him not seeing me as that person. Though yes, there is always something difficult there. But try as I might, I can’t see him fully as that person either. I meant it when I said we were always a bit off. Even talking to each other about normal day-to-day has sometimes been difficult.

Why? What is it? Why is he not quite there? Then again, how’d he get so far in the first place? Predictable I suppose. Are you laughing? I would have supported him more though, I could have known him more, I don’t know how far, but much, much further than this. That was true from the first day, from my first hug and thank you. I could have been the girl in my ad easily for him.

Still not enough.

This girl that T will live with and explore is not me.

(What if? How could it have been? Maybe if we lived closer? If we had more time? If if if.. )

So close, and yet so far with him. Diverging always right when we’re about to meet. I expected this from the start, knew it, braved it, am glad for it still. But I want to put a hand on my heart for a moment, and give a moment of silence for this passing away.

Not yet, but soon. I have a feeling probably soon after this threesome, he will make his decision. I think inside his decision is already made. I still want to do this with him.

It’s time, anyways, that we both faced up.

I watch the door now, it’s getting ready, begins to close, closing, closing, once and for all.

He stops in the middle of what he’s saying, says ‘I don’t know, I do like this.. what we have.’

‘It’s been good,’ I reply simply and truly, smiling despite myself. I’m outside, pacing back and forth underneath bare maple trees, it’s a relatively warm day, people rushing by me to their lectures and labs and lunch.

‘And we do have a sexual chemistry that’s.. way above average. Hope you feel like that too’

‘I do..of course.’

I’ll put it on our headstone.

Here lies Learn and Teach. Theirs was a way above average sexual chemistry.


(Wonder if I will post this. I will have to admit some of this to him, but I don’t know how much. I hate that I’ve written this now, already. It’s premature to be writing him off like this. Maybe I shouldn’t post. Everything else I’ve wanted to write about suddenly seems pointless. I’m going to go on though. What’s happened was real, and what will still happen will be real too. I’ll ignore this shadow for now, sneak peeks at it to see if it’s growing. )