meaning?

I just got accused by him of having worrisome "shades of girlfriend feeling" towards him. This can't bode well for the venture.

I'm not sure I totally understand even what that means as I look at it from different angles. He says it's not about control, but about the possibility of coming out of this with a deep psychological feeling of being hurt, used, jealous etc .

It's weird, for all my 'involvement' with him, I'm not sure if real hurt to myself will ever come into play. Maybe I'm delusional, maybe I'm boombastic. OK I just felt like saying boombastic.

My worries coming into this were about losing something I enjoyed. Then I realised I can't really control what I enjoy, so I let it go. If I lose it, I'll be dissapointed, but I'll move on. No promises were made really, which I appreciate. There is an unspoken promise to not mislead or deceive, but I think this is true of anyone. There will be a momentary gap in my life if he moves out of it, but there are a billion and one other things out there in the world that I could go and learn about. I guess it sounds callous. It's not that I wouldn't miss him at all. It's just a grim, hopeful, restless sense of continuing life.

Anything beyond that really is about self-security. How can I get used? How can I get downgraded, degraded by this? How can I judge myself through my worth in his eyes? I know it seems like it sometimes. And I can tell you there are instances when I struggle with that, want that more than anything, gold stars meted out to me, stamps of approval on my presented polished forehead: we think you're great, we want to fuck you, we want to talk to you. But also, I mean really, what good does it do me in the end?

Maybe being this self-absorbedly introspective kind of helps me in some ways. The world shovels in input sure, but it all has to be processed inside first too. I have to agree with it first. And if I agree with another's bullshit, then that's my problem, and if it is an actual shortcoming that I should take into account, then that's something I have to go deal with too.

So what does it have to do with him, with the possibility of feeling like his "girlfriend"? Because his opinion is worth more to me? Maybe it is, but that's because I think he's got a brain worth respecting. But even that I take with a grain of salt.

I've tried to enjoy this and live it out to its fullest. I've tried not to hold back. I've failed quite often. I've made a place for this in my life, I'll admit. Is that what he means? How could I have not? How do people do that? Oh I'm doing this, but it's nothing. Everything means something. Yeah, we just call and fuck once in a while. No, she's just someone I bump into once in a while. I forget about him right afterwards. It means too much? How much is too much? What pie-slice of my thoughts should I not be cutting out and plating? Maybe he's right? Maybe, as always, I think too much, am too intense?

But I've taken this all with my own grain of salt and my own squeeze of lime and my own head shot back for the gulp, from the very beginning.

I don't know what that means: "shades of girlfriend feelings." Shades of intensity? Shades of depth? Shades of love? Shades of lurrrrve? Shades of lust? Shades of giving a shit? Shades of appreciation? Shades of commitment? Shades of complexity? Shades of messiness? What have I asked for that's too much? What constraint on time and energy? A meet every three months, a call every two weeks, a second thought when we do something together? How much shade is too dark and heavy to deal with?

"Girlfriend feeling"?? What does that mean??? Nearly a year now and it still makes no sense. I still feel it's part of some bigger picture that I never got.

But ah well, like I told him, I'm not going to worry, if it needs bringing up, it should be, if it can be worked out, it will be.

Oh dear, who knew I'd become such an eastern mystic doctor phil-esque piece of work?

It's only cause I finished all my schoolwork and I'm relaxed. Off to dinner I go.