I've never felt a loss, wasn't made to grasp.
An indefinite hold is the closest palpable approximation to a loss.
To be on hold implies faith.
You live a moment away from being with it, ascetic by chance.
To leave to chance implies faith.
Just undeterminably misplaced. To misplace implies a place.
Unfilled placeholders take up shapeless space.
(I never was lost, will soon be found.
Can the once-seeing imagine the ever-blind?)
I've never felt a zero, wasn't made to hold.
Five or six years old, you read in some book of faith that in the Beginning there was Darkness.
Darkness. Your child's eyes closed. And before? Before the beginning? No, before nothing. No, complete nothing. No, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, no thing, without the hand to wipe it away, free of my mind. Dizzy, lip twitching in a smile, scared. Your heart leaping and your brain reeling circular, furiously trying to rub out completely like with the pink rubber end of a pencil. You cannot go on.
I've never been touched by nothing. Without can't be lived.
2 comments:
Dear Learn:
How lovely to see that you posted something in the past few hours-- not long, in fact, after I'd been by earlier today.
(Does that sound needy? I hope it's not that, exactly -- though I don't mind being that sort of, well, vulnerable in the context of you.)
It's late, and I've not yet got the full sense of it yet. I remind myself that T is somewhere involved in your feelings -- hence perhaps to be found in lines like "An indefinite hold..." approximating a loss. That is, a definitive loss -- perhaps FINAL in some way you have identified recently.
I'm on less solid ground, perhaps, in the "ascetic by chance" context. No finalness to the T outcome (the split)? Or, you're leaving the finalness to decide itself, i.e., by chance?
The never-lost (you, presumably) imagining being found -- and "soon."
Okay, I'm reduced to that silly exercise of applying the fortune cookie's wisdom to one's concrete realities.
But, before I go, do tell me about the comma in the last line. Without it, "nothing I can't live without" is tangible: that is, something you CAN live without won't touch you, surely. But, with the comma, if one takes away the double-negative (risky to meaning, I admit), then you've been touched by SOMEthing you cannot live without. Is THAT, in fact, where you are vis-a-vis T?
You: "shut up and have another fortune cookie!"
No, you are kinder than that. (A trait of yours I perhaps take unfair advantage of...)
A big g'night hug!! Justine
Ah, I took that last fortune cookie, and it spake thus:
"You'll find out, once I find out."
(BTW, There's a curious parallel here. The comma between "out" and "once" does exactly the same thing as the one in your last sentence tonight -- that is, it confuses me. I'd be much happier if you confessed you'd had to use up your comma-quota and flogged the two of them on the sly.)
A timid g'night kiss? Justine
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