i laughed, i cried

I'm feeling lazy, but I also feel like posting. So here's an old one I wrote when I was still with my ex, and just discovering the joys of sex :


I lie, my back propped up with pillows against the headboard. My neck is stretched back and I am bouncing. In a daze, I’ve forgotten even that his two fingers are inside me, that he is moving them in and out fast. My mind does not wander, but it registers each moment briefly and vaguely, as if at a distance. Moments of complete blankness elapse in between. My hands may or may not be on my breasts. Time must be passing, but I cannot tell if it has been a few seconds or a few hours. From somewhere in my cloud, I realize that I am smiling. I find this funny, and my smile widens into a beam. I moan. I gasp and it is not the tortured ‘I want to come now’ gasp that usually comes out … It is a gasp of laughter, a drop of joy. I hiccup another loose breathy laugh.

He stares up at me, surprised. He asks me, his voice gruff with lust, if i'm liking it. I scrabble out of my ecstasy to give him a giggly ‘mmmhmm’

He moves faster. I thrust myself more into him, harder and harder. I am breathing funny now, and I listen to myself, listen to this feeling building up in me. I am so relaxed I am humming. I am floating on his fingers. I could go on like this forever, forever is too short, forever is –
I scream out. There is no meaning to it, no happiness, no pain, no fear. Just release. Like a period at the end of a sentence. Dimensionless and indefinable.

I an so loud, he thrusts his mouth onto mine and kisses it passionately. I pant into his mouth in bursts. I hear my muffled whimpers. He lets go of my mouth, and continues to creep his fingers in and out with deathly slowness. Bewildered, I reach my hand out like a question mark to where his head lies, hovering over my rising and lowering stomach. He takes my pinky into his mouth and sucks on it sweetly.

To slowly come back to consciousness and find him lingering gently on my fingers is the most exquisite feeling of all. Overcome, I feel my eyes well up out of nowhere. I feel quiet and peaceful. I shiver, as the corners of my eyes fill up with delicious cold tears of pure joy.

It’s not until later that he notices me wiping my eyes and asks me what’s wrong. He doesn’t know that nothing could me more right.