possibilities...I.

The conversation began when I told T casually about how the way I talked about him to my friend once made her express a desire to ‘have’ him too.

He was intrigued about what exactly it was that I was telling her. I had my blog entry on it, but I hesitated to send it. I said I would look over to see if it was ‘showable’ first.

He wanted to know what I might have to hide. I couldn’t give him a clear answer, and he was left a bit miffed.

T: i guess it just feels (to be honest) slighly unfair.
T: I try to be very open and giving with you sexually - often
T: my best "reward" is your words.
T: please don't misunderstand. i'm just wishing you didn't feel that I would judge, or misunderstand anything you'd say

I understood but I hadn’t been meaning to imply that I hid how I feel about him sexually. Although it was sometimes difficult to bare it all I had tried my best to let him know what I felt after every encounter. From my blog, he had read most of ‘my fantasies’ and ‘my realities’. My ramblings still felt a bit too personal to send. I could be stupid, say the wrong things, be overly emotional in these writings one moment and forget about it all later. Did I really want him to hear all that?

My response was slipshod and it came out like I didn’t want to share at all. The exchange ended on a bit of a down note.

The next day we picked up again on MSN, and I tried to re-explain.

L: been thinking about what you said yesterday.. don't think i did a very good job of answering you
T: you were honest - we're not always going to agree
L: no it wasn't a matter of agreeing or not.. i think i just bungled up issues a bit

I told him I thought I had been doing ok with all my stories, phone calls and audio clips. He pointed out there hadn’t been too much of that of late. I admitted that he had been away for a while, and I had been busy, and when he returned, I had felt a bit disconnected from it all. There were other admissions to be made.

L: i think i have been more censorious on the mental/emotional side of things.. nothing has really felt wrong, but it's required some adjustment for me..
T: i can only imagine - please never feel that i underestimate or under-appreciate that
L: no i know
T: i am quite an emotional person myself - though you'd probably never guess it
L: you can kinda tell :)
L: i'm missing my ex a lot lately, and sometimes i just miss the intimacy of commited sex.. but i don't want to tell you that, cos it's not like i'm asking for that from you.. it's just. facts
T: i understand
T: and i would never ask you to remain intimate with me beyond your comfort level
T: are you sure missing your ex does not relate to this past weekend?
L: no well this past weekend didn't help.. but it's been hitting me for a month now.. once i got beyond the relief of a dying relationship kinda
T: time will no doubt bring you amazing things…though it always feels hard to look ahead when the present has such weight from the past
L: yes, nicely put

He had a comforting way with words. It made me think of how I valued his friendship and how it could sometimes leave me confused.

L: i missed talking to you while you were away.. it worried me a bit, like i had a friendship with you, and i had sex with you, and i was afraid of plugging them all into some fixed formula.. u know what i mean?

(…gap where we had to leave...)

T: what i want to ask is if you feel we are risking anything with the sex - as in do you feel a let down in our friendship? (keeping in mind we haven't seen each other as much)
L: no, i don't feel like there's a let down really
L: hmmm
L: sorry thinking
L: no i don't see it as a risk.. i have trouble integrating the two maybe.. sometimes?
T: integrating?
T: please explain

Clearly defined limits are easy to deal with but boring. The balance we had was bittersweetly brinking back and forth. If nothing touched us, we could maintain it. And we did, we had no problems. But even with nothing throwing me off, I worried about it all the same.

Maybe I cannot be fully happy, maybe I watch my back so much I cannot walk straight.

L: well.. there are fixed prototypes that i'm used to right? there are friendships with no sex, there are romantic commited relationships, there's fucking a complete stranger
L: and we fit in none of course
L: don't get me wrong, i love that.. cos noone ever fits in one. i love that about any interaction with a person. kind of making sense of it, and just 'being'
T: you are used to fucking a complete stranger?
L: i'm not used to it.. maybe the idea of it?
T: i c
T: well
L: makes any sense?
T: i am also glad we do not fit any perfect stereotype

T: how important is our sex to you?
L: herm. it's pretty much on par with the friendship. probably why it's confusing
T: do you feel you have to choose?
L: no
L: not right now.. maybe i worry that i will feel like that at some point
T: soon?
L: no
L: lol sorry, this is wishy-washy, i know.. they're all just small worries that come and go..

I was wondering where I thought I was going when I brought this up. I felt strangely better already having come out with it to him. He had done this all before, and it was a comfort. I might have been satisfied maybe to just end it there, with that discussion... But it would probably just come up again.

And so, arising out of all this of this, the suggestion came up.

T: i have a possible idea
T: one of two ideas in fact
L: k
T: one idea is that we find a way to make our sexual encounters a bit more intimate - adding a bit more talking and openness
T: the other idea is different
T: it is that we actually further increase the separation between the two - fucking each other for pure enjoyment - then when finished, resuming friendship within minutes or hours or whatever is required - in this case we may want to consider some more sexually adventurous ideas to make this separation clear - tying up, role playing , involving others - watching or even joining in

(…to be continued)