possibilities...V

I’ve built up these entries one by one, telling every last detail, but nothing has yet to come from any of this and the truth is I am just waiting, wondering where this will go.

T was away, busy with work for the past five days. I have yet to hear even a comment about the message I left him. I understand because his business is all or nothing, it isn’t the kind where you can restrict how much of your time it takes on a given day.

Still, my days have felt longer. I continue to write all this instead. I wait.

I’ve needed all this detail mostly because it is all new, and I have a fetish for beginnings. I needed it all on record. I love reading most everything here, but I do have a penchant for descriptions of a moment when a curtain got drawn back. How it got drawn, what led up to it. Your first dom/sub experiences, first homosexual encounters, even the first time you had sex, or had your first orgasm.

(These days I find myself thinking a lot about that first morning with T too. I wrote about it here and here, but I could write about it forever. I remember parts of it too clearly. It still gets a rise out of me, remembering that intensity. Two years of mostly innocent talk turned over in the moment when his fingers stroked down on my shorts. Or rather his shorts that I was wearing, borrowed from the night before.)

See, I’ve been only vanilla until now. More like vanilla waferish, mind you. Crispy and crunchy, creamy in the middle, dissolving sweetly in the mouth. I love the basics of sex. It’s here in my every word, I love the fundamental feel of it, I haven’t needed much more. He’s felt that too.

But reading sex blogs here, it has all felt close to my heart and mind, nothing strange, nothing taboo. It’s just reminded me of all the things I’ve always been curious about.

Maybe my curiosity has only just begun to cover the gap between my thoughts and my possible actions. All I know is, clinging to whatever courage I have garnered so far, whatever change I want in my life, I wait.

And even if I make it, even if I can take that step, there is still what is left to chance and that which I have to leave up to him.

I wait. I probably presume too much, but maybe you feel it a bit too, wait a teensy tiny bit with me too.

Because I’m at the brink, almost accustomed to the pit in my stomach, the tension in my knees. I could roll back down or I could take this, depending. I'm wondering what factor will become most important in the end, where I will end up. I'm trying not to make too much of it.

But possibilities await. I wait.