2. my story - sun and clouds

I wonder if my mundane story has any place in a sex blog. Especially when I get to the darkish parts like this that I don't like to talk about.

Does he fuck my mind when he fucks my body? Does he penetrate the years that have gone by to get me here today? Should I string my every experience with him into a cohesive past-present-future to wrap around my neck? Or does it all go out the window when his cock is inside me and he tells me to cum ? Do I need to be deep? Can I afford to be shallow? Should I just take every moment I have like a rock to throw, to skim across some liquid surface, to forget about before it even sinks to the bottom?

I can't stop asking. So I just write on.

Two years passed.

University gruelled on me, wrung me out. The future thinned and I wasn’t in it, there was just an onslaught of life, with me swimming in a dilute mess. I began to lose grip. I cried more often than I should. And too often alone.

But I remained hopeful. I kept writing. I kept reading responses to my ads and never writing back.

I met a boy. I crushed on him for nearly a year, agonizing on whether he ‘liked’ me or not.

He did. We went out, finally.

He was sweet. We held hands through lectures, we wrestled on my dormitory floor, he gave me hand-made birthday and Valentine cards, I cooked him dinner. We said ‘I love you’ within weeks.

I was in disbelief. This was it, I was here, experiencing it. This was a relationship. This was kissing, and then pretty soon, this was sex. This was an argument. This was support. This was attraction. This was comfort. This was companionship. This was love.

This was it. I was happy.

But also I was still depressed. My high off of him lasted about a month… then life started kicking back in, and old habits of agonizing and worrying and procrastinating died hard.

He held me when I cried, and tried to offer solutions, tried to get me moving.

It helped, but it didn't.

And then pretty soon he started to wonder if I was better off without him... if he could give me this much and I could get so little out of it. If I just couldn't be happy...