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I have a day alone today. I find myself wanting to turn here for a moment of peace. A moment to blather.

I always forget how much I love my privacy and independence until it gets invaded the way it has during this week. There has been a topsy-turvy change in my life with my family here, and it is hard to adjust. I'm sitting here wondering what I can do to make it less so.

This gap between us bothers me. The discrepancy amongst the faces that I show to different people pokes at me still.

Where to start? What would be easiest? Or no, what would be best?

I wonder what it is I expect of myself.

Reading my 'cock' entry, I am dismayed at my own mean-spiritedness. If there is one thing I strive for myself -though there are too many things- it is to be generous. I want to be generous of myself. Not charitable or altruistic, just open and giving. I want to believe in the abundance inside me, I think, because life is too short to be miserly. My heart has no patience really, for counting pennies and finding safe-holds. It makes me unhappy.

Still, I find myself doing it all the time. Maybe some time it is necessary, I don't know. I am sure there are limits to what a person can give, but I am sure those limits don't lie quite as close as I think.

I don't want to be afraid to need. I don't see the point.

Need is a deceptive word anyways.

I am tired of reminding myself this, that whether I will get what I want or not is besides the point. I can't change really, the things I want.

I don't want to begrudge anyone the praise they deserve, because I was too busy struggling with my own desire to maintain some illusory power.

I don't want to hoard anymore. I grow smaller and smaller inside just thinking about it.

I don't want to complain anymore. I want to be grateful when it is due. I want to enjoy. I want strength. I want to be big and I want to have courage.

I will be calling T now. It feels natural and calm between us now.

I called him from school the other day. This time it was me. I called right from the bathroom, did not even bother with much of a preliminary chat. I just felt so horny. I didn't even really ask, he was good telling me that this is what he wanted too. His boarder was in the shower, and he told me to be fast, that he could not cum as fast as me but that he wanted to hear me. I stood in the corner of the bathroom, it was a clinic one with a shower and everything. I leaned against the tiles and slipped a finger in like I was told, and I felt strange, sliding in easier than I expected, wet, throbbing tighter than I expected. When I came like Iwas told, that I could not scream out seemed like the biggest torture and I tried to whimper it out instead, fuck, fuck, fuck, but it was not good enough, did not match the pleasing terror of my body for a moment suspended, my hand scrabbling on to the tiles, but there was no hold. I could not breathe, my breath rattling far too loudly like in a wind tunnel into my cellphone's speaker. Delicious, he whispered. I had to agree. I was dissapointed again not to hear him, and I felt sorry that he couldn't, but it did not seem like such an affront.

I know it's convenient to slip back to this, but I think we both need it right now. Another goodbye or two or three does not seem to matter right now. Still have to talk about it properly with him though. Blah.

I admitted to him already that I didn't want to tell him much of what I did last time on the phone. He sounded a bit wounded. He sounded too a bit sorry for me. Before I could explain more, he told me it hadn' t been
about a secret desire to squash me by asserting his power, that he had been feeling genuinely insecure .

I am glad for our friendship because we have a strange, detached ability to discuss and examine and pick apart and throw away the things that may build resentment toward each other . Even when it is tedious and embarassing, even when I am impatient about it, I can appreciate that much. Few people take the time. And fewer people can actually grasp the nature of relationships enough to be able to try and navigate at all.

I don't know what more to say to him. I am afraid to have him see me fully, but I am more afraid to have him not.

Too many, too many of those.