help!

I have a problem. I’ve touched on this briefly before I think.

Talked to T. (there, I used it!) on the phone yesterday. It was a nice surprise since I had expected him to still be away. But turns out he had a day at home in between two of his trips and he was just checking in.

I crave him the second I hear his voice but I am not really ready for him.

My brain has been so busy with boring practicalities during this week that he's been away. Do my tomato plants need fertilizer? Should I buy another fan? Do I want to take the bus to go grocery shopping today? Isn't it time I started that report for my course?

My day has been dreary. I have just had a long relaxed chat with an old highschool friend.

Feels like no matter what the case, I am always unprepared when he calls me. There is always something about him that puts me on edge.

He is an intruder in my life: 'l'etranger'. I cannot understand why, but every time I talk to him I have to reorient, I have to let him in once again.

It is precisely this kind of unsettlement that I have desired. But it leaves my thoughts turbid, and as an extension, because I cannot pick with clarity, my voice mute, my actions awkward.

He tells me he is listening to the audio clip I sent him. 'Just a sample', I labeled it. A three minute sample of how I sound when I masturbate. I do not quite fully cum but I do come damn close, and believe me, you can tell when you hear it, though I never actually speak.

He listens to it and he tells me it has his cock throbbing and he needs to cum.

I wish I had something to tell him when he asks me if I remembered what I was thinking of at the time.

I remember lying there on my bed, and just letting myself breathe into the microphone. Letting the microphone pick up the tiniest of my sighs. I know I was on my stomach and my hands roved all over my clit underneath.

But I don't know what I was thinking of. I'm not sure that I was thinking at all.

I listen to it again with him on the phone. I want to hear it, not to hear my sounds but to hear what he just heard. I know that later on I will go and listen to it again. Because now it will always hold that for me, I will listen to it and I will know that this private moment has touched his ears and aroused him. And that thrills me. I can tell him that much, albeit with a stammer here and there.

Lying on my bed, my free hand moves down and reaches underneath the material of my dress, underneath the elastic band of my panties. I am listening to him groan now and then. I know he’s stroking his cock now, stroking it and my sounds are there in his strokes.

The things he tells me.

I am amazed at this eloquence of his in the midst of his heightening arousal. I don’t know about you, but with me, it feels like the more I get off, the more I get cut loose from my brain.

So much so that I can’t even fully remember what he’s said afterwards. Much of what I am about to write here is just the gist of our talk, and doesn’t really do him full justice.

It makes for interesting conversation, incredibly hot at times, embarrassingly awkward at others.

This time was particularly bad on my part. I have never felt quite so brain dead before, and most of his attempts to engage me and have me take a more active role fell flat.

My attempt to reenact our conversation in writing turned out longer than I thought so I’ve put it in a separate post here.

Feel free to let me know how you felt your first couple of times having phone sex, difficulties you had, things you found that worked for you.

I know mostly I just need to relax.

But I could use some help.