12. when we can- try and err

Dear T,

N slapped my face in cowardly pats the second and last time we had sex.

He knew vaguely of a fantasy of mine, the element of a struggle in my own consent that I circled around. He lived to amass these kind of sordid details, you'd be surprised how many girls fantasize about this, he boastingly assured to me, like I had asked for his assurance, like he knew precisely what this was, when I didn't even myself.

It really must have just been his voice. Or my pride and prejudice. You or someone else could have said that to me, and I would have beeen like interesting point, let's discuss it.

He called me his little kink which I could not help but enjoy the pretense of being, even as I my stomach once again did its turns. The problem was that he was not under my skin yet, I was neither his, nor little, nor did I feel like a kink.

(Define kink, I wanted to ask him, the same way I had asked him to define slut, which he couldn't do. Stop analyzing and quizzing him, I whispered to myself. )

He could not bring my fantasy to life. He misunderstood it perhaps, quite understandably. Or maybe for me, it was not anything that should be brought to life at all.

But he slapped my face lightly and casually, like the reprimand of some kind of Mafia godfather, as I held his cock in my mouth.

It felt like a silly pantomime of puppets, unnecessary, when we were both standing right there. And the most of what I felt was a minor queasy distaste, like I had just sampled food ruined by over-salting. I was also vaguely annoyed, like a fly had just whined in my ear, distracting my attention in a meaningless buzz and then flying away. Had he continued, maybe I would have swatted him right back.

I let it pass, and I do regret that, becauese it is easy to look back and say, oh, but I would have. Then again, it doesn't truly matter, since I did gain something from it.

If nothing else, I learnt that the feeling I preferred was that of a deserved humility, not a senseless humiliation, and it was a place to tread into cautiously, with someone who I have a greater trust towards.