20. when we can- hound and circle

Dear T,

When you come online and the first thing you tell me is how you had another dream about a threesome, can you understand that is difficult for me to say anything back to you?

I was trying so hard to respect your choice, and then your calls, and trying not to give in completely to all of it again, and now this.

I tell you the worst thing I can, that I want to know what it is about seeing me alone that does not appeal to you, what is it that makes you so reluctant.

You are so taken aback by this, I feel immediately contrite. I know I said it mostly to have something to say to you, because I feel out of sorts, don’t know how to relate to you anymore.

You defend yourself, that the reasons you gave me were real, the struggle in your life was genuine. You admit that for a little while the idea of the threesome had been new and exciting enough to keep you distracted from some of your concerns.

But on the phone, yesterday, you say, that was just me and you!! (The exclamation marks are your addition, not mine.)

But it was not completely about your sexual desire for me. I know as far as distractions go, nothing can really top the idea of a threesome.

I wanted to know what line I had crossed in your life, what balance had been broken, that you needed to step away from it. You have told me already, but I still cannot not make perfect sense of it all.

I haven’t really needed to figure it out either, but when you come to me again like this, I realize that I cannot continue to play along without knowing.

You tell me that it is normal that I feel a little confused, that we have been going on in circles for quite some time now.

We have. Could you tell me what center we have been circling around?