cock

And the award for most frequent use of the word cock goes to... Don't mind the jokes, what else I got?

T,

You are not who I think you are and I don’t know if I can go through with the rest of these letters.

I don’t know if I can reassure you any longer. Coming on my own is what I’ve always done. My comforting retreat. Yes, I am good at it. Yes, it feels good.

You say you know your insecurity is stupid. I don’t think it is but I don’t know what more to tell you.

It comes out of my mouth before I can stop it though. Stubborn.

I need cock.

Humor me, you say, don’t tell me you need cock. Tell me you need my cock

(Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I don’t need you.)

I want to say it again and again, taunt you with it, cruel in my lie by omission.

I need cock. Cock. Just cock.

I want to push the lie even further. Say exactly what I do not mean.

A cock. Any cock. Just a slab of cocky man- meat. On a vegan day, I'll take a burst of vitamin-any vegetable that pushes my credulity, any I-can't- believe- it's- not-cock carrot, cucumber, zuchinni. A frozen banana for when I'm feeling fruity. Cock straight off the bench-presses. Cock pick-pocketed off the sweltering streets. Cock hiding under drag-queen dresses. Cock strapped onto a woman's hips, jutting below her swaying tits. Cock that makes me fall to my feet. Huge cervix-servicing cock. Tiny clit-tickling cock. Plastic cock. Rubber cock. Pink cock. Purple cock. Glitter and polka-dot cock. Cocks with balloon heads, cocks with girths like open arms, cocks with hair like the prairies, cocks shaved smooth like nectarines. Cock cock cock.

Forcing myself to say more, finally, trying to think of you, trying to show my true feeling, trying not to resent you. It's not humouring you, I tell you, irate, you know I need you, grunting, like the way you split me open, like the way you move inside me, panting, smooth, like your rhythm, sobbing, don't ask questions you should know answers to, yes ok yes...

(What the fuck do you want from me? Don’t make me say anymore, please, babe, throw me a bone here, throw it far away, make me bound on all fours away from you, eager to find it, and then make me forget to come back to you. I cannot find my way back to you, my sweet, my sexy.)

I am weak. It makes me angry inside, and it makes me sad to be so angry. And then I am angry all over again for being sad, and I want to bury you in a crappy shower of mean, crass, merciless words. Use the phrases that can exact the most pain. And there is a violence inside me that brings tears to my eyes. I want to rub your face in dirt, I want to scratch your blood out into my shit, I want to hold you close to me and drag us both into this mud, safe and silent.

(Or take what you want, I’ll say what you want, keep asking, just keep talking about your cock. I know I’m about to cum again.)

I can't even show you I'm angry. Even that admits too much.

I groan and groan, my fingers beneath me. You have me self-conscious of my groans now, but my fingers feel so damn good, slipping all over the place. I think: fuck you, I'll feel the way I want.

And worse, I think: listen to me now. Listen to what I can do without you.

(It's a lie by the way. Are you really afraid to hear me? Even when I am actually groaning under the sound of your moving mouth, your presence on the other line, thoughts of you?)

I groan louder, harder, on purpose, harder than even I feel.

Next time I fuck you, you say, I'm going to make you cum so hard.. so many times..

(Next time you fuck me, you say? And when will that be? I'm laughing now T, evil laughing. telling you, oh, I hope so.)

I know I have failed you... For feeling this, for doing this. If you do not know what you have done for me, then I must have failed you. I don’t know if you can ever know.

It’s just… I don’t want to need you anymore. And it’s cruel of you to ask.

Am I better than the way I'm behaving?

PS. I came all the same, when you told me to, the same as always. I came without you, wishing only that I could have heard you.

PPS. I was the one who couldn' t bring you there.