7. when we can- exhibit

Dear T,

You were busy and I could never reach you. I started to look around.

If you remember, I found N right at the end of my mom's three month stay, my mind deranged from being so demure and contained for so long.

I found him on a dating site and we chatted stupidly, each trying to impress the other, both of us convinced of our own wit. We vied to gain the upper ground from each other from the start.

The worst part is I used you like my badge of pride. I have a guy I have sex with already, thank you very much, I told him, knowing full well it would pique his interest.

Of this, I am definitely not proud. I want to delete that paragraph. It was low, and I felt too reckless to care to stop myself. I think it is the biggest reason I was too ashamed to bring him up to you at once.

Very soon after my mom left, I bought a tight aqua sweater that stopped right below my hips and I showed it to N one night, wearing only that. I curled my legs out on my bed, looking straight at the camera, laughing and talking about other things. I wanted his eyes on me, appraising the curves of my body. I wanted to turn him on despite himself, wanted him to lose his cool, lose his smirk.

He smirked anyways. What had I expected?

I have done similar things with X too. Except X would stare at me with love, groaning. His eyes on me were both comforting and exciting.

Once we were on web-cam again, and I mentioned to X that I wanted to clean my room. He wanted to watch me do it, to make sure that I did. I knew he just wanted to watch me. I could see the look in his eyes. I cleaned my room, pausing to take off my shirt, then a couple of minutes later my pants, then minutes later my bra. I barely looked at him at all, only glancing at the screen once in a while to make sure he was there. He sat there with shy smile, his eyes caressing me. I love your back, I remember him typing, such a sexy back. I just smiled, cleaned my room as I shivered with anticipation, dripping into my panties as he watched me take my time, organizing the top of my dresser, folding my clothes, picking up papers from the floor.

We came soon after.

I have shown myself like that one other time too for two complete strangers.

I was younger then, around 19. I had only just been introduced to the world of sex, and now felt the need to send myself on probing quests, rampaging through all aspects of sex on the Internet. I had no credit card, so the free "tease" video-chat sessions seeemed an interesting option.

Traffic was usually low for the 'men-on-display'. On a particularly slow day-- well okay, on a day when I was the only one in two of these mens' "rooms" -- I struck up the nerve to stop lurking and actually talk. I apologised for having no credit, made it annoyingly clear that I did not intend to get any, and then asked them curiously and even more annoyingly, if they were bored, because they sure looked bored.

(The women on this site tended to maintain a pose of coquetry throughout, some more plastic than others. But the men, I found, in general, whether busy or not, did not even bother to hide their cool apathy, kept it on their face as though their reverse psychology was their only charm. )

You're a funny one, I remember the younger one smirking after a couple of minutes. We exchanged information from there, both men suggesting it to me within minutes of each other. Maybe they were hoping to make a client out of me yet, though it did not occur to me at the time.

Pretty soon, they had me on camera too, both at the same time. With the older one I was discussing music. He played songs for me to listen to though his microphone. The other one was begging me to take off my clothes, please, telling that he had been sitting there trying to maintain a half-hearted hard-on for clients the whole day and he needed release now that he was off-duty.

So I did.

I liked the boy who asked. He was tan, had almond eyes that, while bored, flickered bemused warmth every once in a while too . I found I was aroused and curious about how he had maintained his state of semi-erection for so long.

I did it once again because I could, because I got tired of wondering if I should. I sat in my bra and panties, keeping my back and neck straight, feeling strange and awkward. The young one grinned. I took off my bra. He grinned wider.

I hated the surprise on the other older man’s face, asking me what I was doing, asking if I was sure. He thought I was too young, that I was lying about my age, though it did not stop him from talking to me, nor from staring at me. I hated his condescending protection. But I liked both of their eyes on me, taking in my body, my breasts in the cold air, twinging inside.

Then the twinging stopped and I felt suddenly silly and a bit pathetic, exactly the silly and a bit pathetic girl that I knew they must think of me, as though that mattered. I left, before I could see either of their cocks.

Maybe that two-minute video clip is floating around somewhere on the ethernet, who knows? We’ll find out when I get famous. Heh.

I never did any of that for you. You told me you weren’t a very visual person anyways. Sounds and touch were what got you off, and thoseI had no problem providing, did not even have to try.

You needed only to let me know that your thought had turned to me and I was wet and moaning. It scared me.

Yes, you were different. I did not feel equal to you and I always both hated and loved this.

I've said it before. You had me already exposed, before I could even try to tease you with myself. I was already exhibited to you.