he did WHAT?

Later on I bring it up to my best friend, how T showed me the picture of a girl he was thinking of meeting. She thinks that I am crazy. She’s thought I’m crazy from the start for doing this with T, though she’s tried to support my need to try. She wants to know how I can stand to discuss other girls with him. Especially after we’ve just had sex. She says it would drive her nuts. She says she doesn’t care what I say: it’s just not normal. She makes maybe a valid point.

But I don’t know if she can understand that yes, it’s weird but also not as weird as it could be. That I walked in knowing all of this, and that within that context, nothing is wrong. That I in fact prefer for him to be that way, rather than hide. That I feel open enough to do this. That that one flicker of jealousy is currently the extent of my struggle to deal with this novelty. That it’s normal to feel like that, but also how it doesn’t bother me deep down, I don’t really feel the need to compare, not with him.

I’ve seen my friend get hurt by men. I’ve seen them lure her in with false pretences, acting like they wanted one thing, when they really wanted another. I don’t know if it’ll work, but I want to try things this way instead. I hope in the very least that it will save me that kind of pain. And sure, a part of me will always want it, but I don’t feel like I need to ask for everything from one person right now.

It makes me realize though that this is really the first time that I’m actually doing something that most would deem unconventional. And it is not something easily discussed with even your closest. She says that as long as I am happy it’s fine. She cannot understand for herself but she can only accept for me. I sense this with her when we hit certain issues, especially when it comes to sexuality. It makes me feel nervous, it makes it clear that I am getting ready to embark down paths only I can navigate myself through.

I haven’t even brought up the ‘you’re into girls right?’ part of the conversation to her yet at all.